Breaking Free from Toxic Ties and Embracing Self-Love
Dear Diary,
Breakups are something I wish I could warn my younger self about—whether it’s romantic, platonic, or even breaking family ties. Losing someone while they’re still alive is really hard (it’s even harder when they’re gone, but that’s another story). I didn’t realize how much I’d have to recover from a broken heart.
It does feel like a “cut that always bleeds” (I hope you get the Conan Gray reference). Music has been helping me cope with this pit of loneliness I feel every time I lose someone in my life. It’s crazy how songs that used to make me smile now make me cry when I’m heartbroken over someone I love.
Music is like open-heart surgery—it cuts deep, but somehow, it stitches me back together too. Even though it makes me bawl my eyes out, it reminds me of all the reasons why I can’t go back, no matter how much I want to…and God knows I want to.
It pains me to be away from people you love, but sometimes, it’s for the best (at least, that’s what everyone says). It’s funny—sometimes I almost resent my friends and family for seeing reality for what it is while my rose-colored glasses are glued to my face.
Turns out, it’s really hard to be away from someone who doesn’t care about hurting you, as long as they get what they want. I know that sounds insane, but this unfortunate instinct inside me still craves love from people who can’t give it. And with that comes a lot of questions… Does it get easier? Is the pain always there? Why did this happen? Why don’t they love me? Am I unlovable? I wish it weren’t true, but it causes me so much pain and heartache. I’d say it’s probably my karma for something I did, but I fear this is just something a lot of people go through… maybe a rite of passage?
I’m having a hard time accepting that sometimes, people lie. They’ll say things to make you feel better—to make you stay. But that does not mean they love you. If someone makes you cry, feel used, pathetic, or like a burden, they don’t deserve to have you in their life. And YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Honestly, letting go of people in your life is hard. It’ll feel lonely. But honestly? It’s better to be alone than to stay with someone who only causes you pain. TRUST ME.
I read somewhere (aka saw a TikTok) that a monk once said:
“Imagine being bitten by a snake, and instead of focusing on healing from the poison, you chase the snake to understand why it bit you.”
This is my tale of trying to recover from toxic relationships, but I guess… it’s not about the why.
P.S.
If someone did you horribly wrong, my love, please do not let yourself be treated like that again. I LOVE YOU, AND YOU DESERVE BETTER. I don’t even mean “you’ll find someone better” (because, ugh, I hear that all the time). But promise me you will never let someone feel small.
A part of self-love is setting boundaries—for yourself and with the people in your life. At the end of the day, the only person you truly have is yourself. So take care of you. Make yourself feel safe by treating yourself better.
I want you to know that you are not alone and that I know you are capable of healing, growing, and finding the strength to move forward, no matter how hard it feels right now.
I love you so much! <3
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